cactus-spirit:

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If you’d like to follow along with my weight loss and fitness journey, my side blog is at @happy-healthy-spirit.

December 16, 2015

cactus-spirit:

A year ago I was angry.

I was angry about what I’d had to go through. I wanted to go outside and yell at the top of my lungs, to send out my biggest “FUCK YOU” to the world. I’d been in so much emotional pain that I shut things out and stopped feeling.

This year was nothing like I expected it to be. It wasn’t my reprieve. Sometimes in life you can’t catch a break and your suffering won’t end because you want it to and sometimes, you just have to push yourself forward and endure. But this year I stopped trying to protect myself from heartache.

I realized that when you shut down in order to keep out the bad, it leaves you cold and dark and empty inside. If you don’t leave room to feel things, even the things that decimate you, there’s no place for light to get in. So I let things hurt, and because I had locked away so much for so long, things hurt like hell.

But I started to be happy. The tiniest ounce of good found its way in too.

I started to thaw. I started seeing life in color again, noticing all the little and unexpected reasons to want to get out of bed in the morning. I started being grateful for anything that gave me a purpose and started thanking myself every day for sticking around. Things started making me laugh again. I started catching myself smiling out of nowhere, just because I was here and alive.

You will never be able to build anything out of anger and bitterness and resentment. These things devour the best parts of you and strip away your potential and motivation. You can not come from a place of negativity and expect to find joy because what drags you down can never be a catalyst for change.

You have to learn to find love within yourself, for yourself, for your life, for humanity. You will get hurt; but you will never be broken if this is the place you come from inside yourself. We only break when we try to resist being connected with the things we don’t want to feel.

December 13, 2018

cactus-spirit:

I got my college acceptance letter yesterday! I’m officially enrolled in their civil engineering program and will be starting classes next summer. I’m so excited and nervous to have a second chance at getting a degree.

December 3, 2015

cactus-spirit:

I have a good life because it is mine. Because there are always moments to stick around for. Because I have things so wonderful I can’t help but say thank you for every day.

August 18, 2018

cactus-spirit:

This has been an extremely rough year. It’s been painful, uncertain, chaotic, and transformative. In many ways I am not the person I was seven months ago. The last time I went through such an intense period of learning experiences was back in 2012 and it absolutely broke me back then. I completely lost sight of myself, but I’m so much stronger this time around. Instead of giving in to that familiar depression and fear I find myself sitting back and looking at the choices I have in front of me and the ways I’m still progressing. None of us are supposed to be static. It’s good to do soul searching and see character development.